2006-09-04 - Are you looking for a smart, sophisticated action hero who can outwit dangerous criminals? If so, look elsewhere. Colonel Crush is nothing of the sort. He's more barnyard animal than debonaire spy.

The first time I met Colonel Crush (yes, he's real), he was chewing on a stick, making it into a sharp spear. When he saw that the spear wasn't straight he shrugged and threw the weapon over his shoulder, impaling six terrorists in a single act. Oh, and a school teacher. But it turns out that the teacher was a devil worshiping child eater, so it was okay.

Those are Crush's strengths - stupidity and dumb luck. If he were smart enough to know better, he'd probably be mortal like you or me. As it is, Crush doesn't know his limits, and therefore doesn't have any.

Crush is my hero. A god among men. An imbecile among the goats and pigs.

Terrorism has no chance. And neither do child eaters.